3 Tips to Deal with Anger During Grief

It has been two weeks since my Mom passed away unexpectedly. As people received word of her death, there was a constant onslaught of condolences and well-wishers. And shock. 

In the ‘after’ – that time after a loss when people return to their everyday lives and activities, leaving the grieving family to process their grief alone – is when those left behind have a moment to breathe and think and grieve.

5 Stages

Everyone goes through their own grief process based on their personality, their individual coping mechanisms, and their support system.

Grief is typically described in stages: 

• Denial – this can’t be happening
• Anger – why? And who can I blame?
• Bargaining – keep my loved one alive and I will be or do (X) – be a better person or go to church more. Fill in your own blanks.
• Depression – I’m so sad I don’t have the energy to do anything, including activities of daily living (bathing, eating, sleep, etc.).
• Acceptance – this has happened and there isn’t anything I can do about it.

Grief is a Journey

Grief is a journey none of us wants to travel. I certainly didn’t. Yet, at one point or another in our lives, we find ourselves traveling this road. 

I believe I experience any of the stages at any point throughout my day.

What I have felt most profoundly today has been ANGER.

• At my mom for dying.
• At God for taking her wayyyy too soon.
• At the Universe for leaving me behind to step in as the oldest of her kids to take care of all the myriad things that need to be handled. 

Today, the smallest of things has unleashed my anger. A pencil rolled off the desk; something fell in the kitchen; it took too long for my computer to boot up; someone called to check on how the family is doing…

Mindset Shift

I attended a webinar about motivation where the presenter said something along the lines of you can have a crappy mindset and still have the motivation to accomplish your goals. 

This translated to me that I can be angry without wallowing in that anger and letting it stop me from becoming the amazing novelist my mom always told me I am.

By the end of the webinar, I felt better. 

3 Tips to Deal with Your Anger

Here are my top three tips for dealing with your anger and allowing it to motivate you to reach your goals, while honoring how you’re feeling:

• Feel your feelings. There is nothing wrong with being angry. It’s a part of the process. 
• Journal your feelings. Write about it. You can do this generally (i.e. I’m so angry….) or you can go bigger and write a letter to the person who passed, to God or your Source, to the Universe, etc.  Let it all out. This is only for you. I also encourage you to write by hand and let the words flow.
• Ask for support. I have a special group of friends I know I can reach out to and they will surround me in love. I also have reached out to a grief counselor because I recognize I need the extra help.

Conclusion

We all experience grief in our own way, whether we go through each of the five stages individually or whether we go through them seemingly all at once. 

I had a choice to make:

• I could remain angry at the world and everything and everyone in it or 
• I could acknowledge my feelings and continue to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. 

Does this mean I’m not still angry? Not at all. It just means that I have consciously decided to continue to live and do as my son has said, “We have to make grandma proud, right mom?”

Try not to allow your grief – in my case anger – to consume you. It would be so easy for me to become stuck in my outrage. But, that is not how I want to honor my Mom’s memory and make her proud.

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